SELF-NOTE: DILEMMA of CHASING GHOST

If you’re happen to be here and read this, means you’re lost, happen to be here accidentally or probably I invite you once to be here. You might know me but you might not, but I hope you enjoying your stay for one bit.

There’s always a dilemma inside of me. Something that I know that I shouldn’t bother about. But I just can’t help it. It happens. Probably the world outside wouldn’t notice that, but I can feel what’s going on inside of me.

Too many love will kill you, someone said, but I guess its not always love. Too much thinking will too. That’s what I’ve been doing lately, I hope it is because of my awareness increasing, that made me feel this way. If not then it's my stupidity. :D

Lately I can feel the jealousy, being ignored or anger inside of me and I realize it. One says that if you can actually feel that consciously means your awareness is increasing. I really do hope so. I know those are the negative feelings that I shouldn’t feel, but sometimes we just can’t help it. Those feelings just emerge. We just have to realize about those feelings when they come out and try NOT to prolong the process, 'cause when you do that you’re feeding your ego, which is not really yourself.

I’m still learning not to feed my ego very often, at least when the ego emerge and try to take the lead, one just have to let the awareness appear too, 'cause when the awareness appear, whatever the ego try on you, it will reduce it’s power.

You can’t change your past, but you can change present moment before it's gone. I can repeat it again in my heart and still I have this bitter feeling inside of me. Not that I’m ungrateful or what, its just one of those moment in life, when you really want something BIG happen and shake your world, big time!

I wish I could just stare at those past moments that I keep carrying behind my back, after all this time. I just have to shrug ‘em away now. It’s been months since the last time we said goodbye. There’s no fight. No nothing. It’s just us trying to find our separated ways.

It still hurts, until this very day, I feel like I’m chasing ghost for the past months. I don’t think one even deserve to be chase by me, but I realize this is something that I have to face now. I have to admit my feelings toward 'the ghost'. No matter how bad I feel pity and stupid about myself, at least I admit it.

This is one of those embarrassing moment in one’s life, I know. I really need to let go all the things that I keep, so I can let all the burden out. I don’t want to carry these again, after all this time. I’m tired of everything already.

I need to let go of the past, IT IS PAST!

I want you to understand, my dear self. I’m sorry, if this sound to harsh but you DO need to learn to let go what I said it's behind, already. Try to reminisce everything NOT going to bring one's back. You just have to face it now. ‘Cause you’re not living in the past, you’re breathing NOW. Be glad, be happy and keep in mind that someone BETTER and AWESOME is out there, looking for you. One's not going to find you, if you’re still lingering here in the past.

So, would you like to come out and play with me at the presence moment?

:)