If you’re happen to be here and read this, means you’re lost, happen to be here accidentally or probably I invite you once to be here. You might know me but you might not, but I hope you enjoying your stay for one bit.

There’s always a dilemma inside of me. Something that I know that I shouldn’t bother about. But I just can’t help it. It happens. Probably the world outside wouldn’t notice that, but I can feel what’s going on inside of me.

Too many love will kill you, someone said, but I guess its not always love. Too much thinking will too. That’s what I’ve been doing lately, I hope it is because of my awareness increasing, that made me feel this way. If not then it's my stupidity. :D

Lately I can feel the jealousy, being ignored or anger inside of me and I realize it. One says that if you can actually feel that consciously means your awareness is increasing. I really do hope so. I know those are the negative feelings that I shouldn’t feel, but sometimes we just can’t help it. Those feelings just emerge. We just have to realize about those feelings when they come out and try NOT to prolong the process, 'cause when you do that you’re feeding your ego, which is not really yourself.

I’m still learning not to feed my ego very often, at least when the ego emerge and try to take the lead, one just have to let the awareness appear too, 'cause when the awareness appear, whatever the ego try on you, it will reduce it’s power.

You can’t change your past, but you can change present moment before it's gone. I can repeat it again in my heart and still I have this bitter feeling inside of me. Not that I’m ungrateful or what, its just one of those moment in life, when you really want something BIG happen and shake your world, big time!

I wish I could just stare at those past moments that I keep carrying behind my back, after all this time. I just have to shrug ‘em away now. It’s been months since the last time we said goodbye. There’s no fight. No nothing. It’s just us trying to find our separated ways.

It still hurts, until this very day, I feel like I’m chasing ghost for the past months. I don’t think one even deserve to be chase by me, but I realize this is something that I have to face now. I have to admit my feelings toward 'the ghost'. No matter how bad I feel pity and stupid about myself, at least I admit it.

This is one of those embarrassing moment in one’s life, I know. I really need to let go all the things that I keep, so I can let all the burden out. I don’t want to carry these again, after all this time. I’m tired of everything already.

I need to let go of the past, IT IS PAST!

I want you to understand, my dear self. I’m sorry, if this sound to harsh but you DO need to learn to let go what I said it's behind, already. Try to reminisce everything NOT going to bring one's back. You just have to face it now. ‘Cause you’re not living in the past, you’re breathing NOW. Be glad, be happy and keep in mind that someone BETTER and AWESOME is out there, looking for you. One's not going to find you, if you’re still lingering here in the past.

So, would you like to come out and play with me at the presence moment?

:)

I’ve been hanging out with lots of long lost guy friends lately. Some of ‘em I haven’t see almost more than a decade. Its good to catch up again. To be able to share things that we missed. To see the changed in ‘em also the shocking truth they shared. Especially, those relationship fairytale.

There’s always something that you can learn listening to their stories.

Sometimes when you hanging out with guys a lot, there’s something in you – as woman – can cope with ‘em. BUT there are also lots of women that can’t understand why men think differently?

Along the life I live in, sometimes I can understand ‘em completely and be patient with their characters, sometimes I just want to be a woman. They said, women created to be fooled. I do agree with the thinking, sometimes :D base on the women bonding and sharing, we – as women – do tend to be fool. Even when we already know that, it is stupid and being fool, we just close our hearts and eyes.

What can be more fool than that?

Am I talking base on experience? Yes, I do. I was one of those foolish women. As life goes on, you know that something that don’t kill you, won’t hurt you that bad. So, with every single foolish act you HAVE to learn, try NOT to fall into the same hole again. If not, you’re worst than a donkey. But, don’t worry, I’ve been worst then a donkey too…hahaha…

For the past months, I’ve been learning lots about life and myself. I know that’s not normal for some people, even one of those guys think I’m crazy enough to be in this kind of state. But, I'll do ANYTHING just to make myself HAPPIER than EVER. Reading some books, do help, sometimes. A friend of mine said something like, “Maybe if I dun know who I’m talking to, I’m going to say you’re PATHETIC!” but then he made me laugh with another remarks he made. Thanks, for making me laugh, ‘ndu!

Some of my guy friends commented whoever the guy that I’m in love with, must be a luckiest guy on Earth, but I don’t think that’s what the guy that I’m with thinking when he’s with me. I know that I’m too dominant, sometimes. Fortunately, I have been dating younger guys for the past years. So, if I’m too dominant, it’s just that I can’t stand the spoiled and ego in them when it arises.

What I thought as a Prince Charming, becomes a frog
What I thought as a Knight in Shining armor, becomes coward

Is it that bad? NOPE! For me they're still my Prince Charming and my Knight in Shining armor. ' Cause to me, first impressions always important, if somewhere along the path they changed shape, I guess I'm the one that have to deal with it.

Can't blame 'em, right?

Let's say that I watch too much of romantic drama, you name ‘em. However, I just wish that they can learn from those dramas? About the words, acts, and situation. From time to time, those dramas are reflections of our own lives.

One thing that I should bear in mind about guy is that he would know how to treat and appreciate woman, when he's really in love with one. Even the greatest lover like Casanova, treat each woman like a princess! I hope you're NOT mixing the REAL Casanova with the Hollywood Casanova. You know what a movie played by a famous actor can turn history into another perception.

So, guys, learn to be a Casanova for once in your life, k? 